“I will not play at tug o’ war.
I’d rather play at hug o’ war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.”
– Shel Silverstein (via lostinthesounds)

Lucky Me….

Well, things are dramtically different from the last time I posted….

For starters, I finally got my divorce and am now free of my ex, except for matters pertaining to our son. I can be nice for that reason only.

I got full custody, and am living back in Utah. My ex moved to South Dakota and he gets to see Zk alternating holidays and vacations. BUt the best part is that my son is with me full time again. :)

I finally found true love, found my soulmate. After watching the Secret, I started thinking about what I wanted, feeling what I wanted in a positive way…the love of a good man, and exactly a month later, Anthony P Davies appeared. And what an amazing man he is. He treats me like a queen. I never knew what it was like to be treated so good til I met him, its all so new and wonderful. He loves me, and everything about me just as it is, me for me. It’s foreign to me, I am so used to being judged or feeling like I have to change or be a certain way. Not with my baby. He makes me feel beautiful, happy, sexy, just the way I am. I love him so much. His shaggy long hair that makes him look rough and sexy and maybe a little hippyish, lol. His hazel eyes, same colors as mine…green n brown, and so kind and sweet. His body, strong and cuddly, his 6’5 height makes me feel small and protected. I love the way he looks at me, touches me. His kisses take me to a world where only we exist. A hug from him instantly melts stress. I love how he calls me his baby girl and knows so much about the stars. I love how chill he is. How nonjudgmental and nice he is. I love the way he sings. His voice, so deep and sexy, I love laying on his chest and listening to it rumble. I love his sincerity and charm. His sense of humor. I love that he loves his family. I love that we have so much in common, yet so much is different too. I love our lovemaking, never so good in my LIFE. I could go on and on….I love so much about him, I love everything about him, he is so perfect.It takes my breath away how much I am attracted to him. Never felt a love like this….

I am excited to see where my life leads. I have my son, my Anthony, my mom and Lance, my Angelbaby…life is so good, so perfect… I am so thankful for all these blessings and gifts in my life. It so easy to appreciate it after the hells I been through. <3 LmL

The Job Hunt’s On! And some other stuff…

Job hunting, every jobless American’s biggest frustration. I fill out app after app, with the hope that that person on the other end of that wonderful email I just sent will pick me. Yet time after time, no response. Blah. I hope I find something soon, with Christmas right around the corner, and my new life I wanna start, I need something asap. *Crossing my fingers*

Today was a crazy day.

I found out my sis is pregnant with her third kiddo, I’m hoping for niece. :) She is 23 and I am also wishing her tons of sanity lol.

My stepmom had a crazy day with her brother, who she has been trying to help. But it’s hard to help someone who won’t help themselves.

And I had a wonderful day with  Zk, I picked him up after school and it always feels so wonderful to have my son with me. I had an interesting night after that. I feel terrible for Robbie because he is having a hard time getting over me. Not only did he lose me, but his best friend that was helping him move on and be strong killed himself the night before Thanksgiving. (R.I.P. Ryan)

I can only keep being strong and hoping things get better.

My Life…in Shambles

I am devastated. My son, who I have spent 6 1/2 years raising, full-time stay at home mommy, is now living with my soon to be ex-husband, and not by my choice. I was with him for 11 years, since I was 14. Things were good at first but then he started getting mentally abusive, very controlling and manipulative, and he had a big thing for other women. Eventually the pain outweighs the good times though. We married in June of this year, after a short separation I thought he had changed. After realizing that he hadn’t changed and feeling physically ill from the stress of constantly being criticized, I decided to leave him. It was October. I moved from Colorado to Utah with my son and my dog, and the belongings that mattered to stay with my mom. I wanted to distance myself from him, get my head back on straight and learn to stand on my own two feet. I made sure my son was able to talk to my ex all the time, they Skyped all the time, and they had weekend occasionally.

On Nov. 12 my ex came to Colorado to visit my son, that same day I was served with divorce papers. He took off with him to Colorado. I learned this on the Sunday he was supposed to come home, an old neighbor in Co called to see if I was in town because he had just seen my son. I was in shock. I screamed for my mother and then I lost it. That little boy was/is my whole life and he took him, in the process managed to rip my heart out. He knew how bad that would hurt me. I called the police in both states and they wouldn’t do anything because we were still technically married.

So now I am back in Colorado, staying with my dad, getting to see my son after school and every other weekends. I plan to fight for custody but I am filled with alot of turmoil because my son is not with me, going from a full-time mommy to a part-time mommy? What the hell?! Now my ex has him until court, and I’m trying to stay positive, thinking happy thoughts. It’s rough. My ex is spoiling him and doing everything he can to make sure my son doesn’t wanna be with me. I didn’t do anything wrong, I was a good mother, I was a good wife. Now this. My life is in shambles. And I miss my son so much. His sleepy eyed face when he wakes up, I miss his constant laughter and questions, watching him play with his cars, lining them up just so, listening to him talk to his turtle, his random hugs and I love you’s. There is a big chunk of my life missing and nothing I do can fill that void. I miss him, I miss taking care of him. My life won’t be right again until he is back with me.

When I get him back, our world is gonna be different. I am never gonna take another second with him for granted. I will play more, read more, be a better listener, and most def I will be happier. Things were good before, but they will be even better now. I am thankful for all the positive, supportive people I have surrounding me right now. My mom, her boyfriend, my dad, my fam and friends. My mom’s boyfriend hired me a lawyer (he’s the best) so I am hoping that makes this easier. Because I am so lost right now. I just wanted to be a mom, go to school and make a better life for us. And now this crap. He thinks its funny to torture me, texting me saying how bad my life sucks that I must be feeling awful not being a steady mom, and talking about this girl (who he used to lust after when we were together) he wants to be with, and holding my journals hostage. I refuse to let him get to me, he knows how to mess with my head, he did it for 11 years. But I am gonna rise above, take the higher road. All that matters to me is my son. I love that little boy so much, he is the sweetest, toughest, best little kid ever. He is loved by so many people. Even my dog misses him.

Please let everything be ok….I just wanna be ok. :/